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MINIMALISM OF DESTINY

December 19, 2010

 

I, as a minimalist, am imbued with special powers. I have powers of INSIGHT and *uncanny cultural assessment*.  I have looked into the future with my especial minimalist laser eye vision and I can tell you that, in the future, there are two factions of humanity:

The  FRAPPUMARTMOMS:

That's right, Frappumartmom. Expose your little one to the vicious brutalities of our culture early.

And the GEEKYGREENMAMAS:

Likely also an asshole.

It is apparent to me that moms shall inherit the Earth. After all, it’s unemployed moms who join most committees and make most civic decisions and dictate most of the culture while their poor overhelpful husbands like, work, to make a living, so…

Yeah, we women, bitches that we are, end up pretty much ruling the ENTIRE WORLD.

Even women who have jobs. We’ll let ‘em into our MOMS club too.

(I am not yet a mom. BUT I WILL BE ONE DAY!)

Now, the FRAPPUMARTMOMS are the ones who support  happiness-sucking mother-earth-raping corporations because they are convenient, darn it, and they only have so much time, like, fifteen minutes, because they’ve got to run their baby to $COMMONCHILDHOODACTIVITY, and they’re overworked, darn it, so they deserve something EASY and GOOD.  They have power because they also have money.  USUALLY this is money that they steal from their spouse in the name of marriage and partnership, but sometimes they make their own–or they have some left over from the kick ass job they used to have before their baby came along.

Conversely, the GEEKYGREENMAMAS will know how to use their laptops and will have the ability to sort out puzzles using logic and manuals and will also have basic respect for the planet will will have a working knowledge of how to recycle and how to reuse and how to shop in such a way that they aren’t supporting child slavery in Indonesia or pouring oil by the shipful into the ocean.  They also have, like, no money because they’re too busy having sex with more than one partner, tending to organic gardens, and refashioning old garments into spare tires to worry about finances.  But their kids are *awesome*  and their blogs are read by hundreds so they have socio-political power.

AND SO these factions will arise, and it will come to pass that the FRAPPUMARTMOMS will stand together and face squarely on the rise of rapidly cohering GEEKYGREENMAMAS.  (Imagine the Facebook posts and the blog entries!)

Sometimes moms are real assholes.

AND WHAT WILL THE OUTCOME BE? Civil war? Alliance? A bipartisan system of FRAPPUMARTMOMS and GEEKYGREENMAMAS?

May she who is most popular on Etsy win, I tell you what.  Or maybe we should have a bakeoff.

I like bakeoffs.

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