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THE ONE AREA OF LIFE IN WHICH A MINIMALIST SHOULD NEVER SIMPLIFY

December 22, 2010

Dental hygiene. Oh God. There is no room here for error.

I know.

I recently sat through hours of tormented suffering hell, and that was BEFORE the four root canals, which were, in their own way, maddening, hateful hours of surreal torture.

Surreal. Torture.

My dentist put me in movie goggles with low-powered ear buds and expected me to sit calmly throw his evil dental hijinks and attempted bits of misdirection which included powerfully massaging my gums to prevent me from noticing the fact that he was injecting a needle into my gums.

Ever since, I have attended to my teeth daily. ATTEND TO MY WISDOM, minimalists, and learn why one tooth brush and one small tube of paste is not enough to take care of your teeth.

No.  In order to truly care for your teeth and prevent your dentist from running free in unbridled creativity, do something similar to the following.

(I am not a dentist. I am BETTER. I use GIMP.)

I floss, using perfect “C” motions to capture all of the gunk in my gums.

I run a toothpick gently along my gumline to capture even more odious gunk.

I brush once, using an adult-sized pea shape of toothpaste. I brush for two minutes.

Then I swish with red food coloring.

It’s amazing.

The red food coloring paints my molars and canines in a shade of bloody scarlet. Then, when I gaze in the mirror, I can see the areas of plaque that I missed painted a terrifying dark, clot-red color, and I know where to brush to complete the job.

This is fun for many reasons.

The first reason is that for the first few moments, I enjoy the fact that it looks like someone just summarily punched me in the mouth, or that I’ve come down with some sort of horrific plague that starts with the symptoms of hideous blood-gums.

The second reason is the terror. Somewhere in the crevices of my brain folds, a creature stirs. That in and of itself should be enough to be fearsome, but what’s really frightening is that it’s shouting at you:

OMG THIS RED FOOD COLORING IS NEVER GOING TO COME OUT AND PEOPLE WILL RUN FROM YOU SCREAMING.

An otherwise attractive brunette is bleeding copiously from her mouth.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 23, 2010 5:38 am

    Hilarious! Are you sure you are not a nut case? 😛 😀

  2. December 23, 2010 9:41 am

    Hmmm. Nuts are typically sold in tempting little wicker baskets and wrapped in cellophane, with ribbons. Those baskets are technically not cases, but such is close enough for government work. I’m pretty sure that I’m not a little wicker nut basket, as I have arms, legs, and a set of functioning eyes, which said wicker baskets do not typically have.

    But I’m flattered to be taken for one!

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