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Stuff or Sea Monsters?

December 23, 2010

Okay, so, horrible thing.  The funerals I mentioned earlier? Those are only for the items that you can mark lawful-neutral good.  Then there are the chaotic evil things.  These things not only trip you in your early-morning stumble to the coffee pot, they slice open your shins when you’re running for the phone, and they never fit you properly to begin with. Plus they’re itchy.

The thing about these items is that we fail to anthropomorphise them properly.  These clever beats are NOT the moral equivalent of your socially tactless Aunt Ernesta. Rather, they are insidious Lovecraftian monsters sent from a hellish ocean underworld to murder you in your sleep.

So instead of thinking of them like this:

A seemingly innocuous boot, bear, and plastic dino congregate on the living room floor.

Think of them like this:

STOMPY BOOT STOMPS

…this:

A cuddly teddy bear lies in wait behind a shrubbery to kill his mistress evilly with a scythe.

and this:

...Barney's loathsome (plastic) cousin exacts his arsonistic revenge.

When you reach across the never-ending abyss between your bed and your nightstand to turn on the lamp, they are lying in wait to leap up and claw your bare, delicate elbow.  When you check the couch cushions for spare change, they will have devoured the spare change and will devour your searching fingers with utmost ferocity.

They have no pity, nor remorse. They are flesh-gnawing death machines.

So, when you evacuate them from your house, don’t merely banish them with a neutral affect. KILL THEM DEAD AND THEN CUT OFF THEIR HEADS AND THEN SET THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLING THEM INTO DEATH VALLEY (WHICH IS FAR AWAY FROM THEIR CTHULU MASTER) and let their bones desiccate ‘neath the burning, ruthless sun.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. December 23, 2010 11:17 am

    Hmmm, a little dark here. I just send unwanted items to charities or the landfill.

  2. December 23, 2010 11:21 am

    But both charities and landfills are filled with haunting nightmare-provoking specters and beer-flinging hooligans!

  3. Emily permalink
    January 22, 2011 5:29 am

    … you have an ineteresting view of life…
    Yes. I’m that observant.

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